A Decade of Working Momness
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| My first week back to work after bambino #3 |
Last month I celebrated 10 years at my current employer.
And in those 10 years:
I was pregnant 2.5 years,
I was breastfeeding 3.5 years;
and I've been raising children 9 of those years.
I'm no exception - women do this every day, every month, year after year.
I was pregnant 2.5 years,
I was breastfeeding 3.5 years;
and I've been raising children 9 of those years.
I'm no exception - women do this every day, every month, year after year.
It's no question that being a working mother is a struggle and a triumph all wrapped up into one deeply unorganized package. For a woman to say that she has an equal work-life balance would indicate that she is unaware of how unbalanced her work-life really is.
The older my children have gotten, the more I've been able to rationalize being a working mother. The older two are in school the hours that I am at work, which to me is a win-win situation. That's the sweet spot, so to say.
The younger one is a bit harder to swallow. Working when you have a little one aged 0-4 is rough, no lie. Coming to work everyday, leaving an infant, is about the hardest thing I've had to do emotionally. It doesn't get easier with each child. For me, it got harder and harder. I played the working mom role the first time. The second time, I grew more introspective. The third time, I almost said "f$*k the patriarchy" and stayed home with my babe. I even bought into a shady MLM pyramid scheme to try to transition out of the working world (I thankfully got out of that). Look at nature - mothers don't leave their still-breastfeeding infants, ever. They stick around until the babe has naturally weened and then they still hover around until the babe has proven they can be independent.
But we - in The United States of America - are given a time limit with our infants. There are millions of working mothers who are forced to go back to work even when their lochia is still flowing from childbirth. Three months and your time is up (and in some cases, it's much, much sooner). Pack up your breast pump and head back to work. Put your infant in the hands of a stranger and leave your weeping eyes at the door. You've got work to do and we're not going to sit around here and hold your job while you spend time mothering. However, the flip side was too radical for me to envision.
If I were to have left work to stay home with my babies, I would have lost my job. I would have lost the momentum that I had been building in my career. My job would not have been saved for me - it would have been taken over and I would have had to start at the very beginning. When I was ready to re-enter the work world, I would have had to begin on the very lowest rung of the ladder. I've been in search committees where they look at a gap in empoyment and those applications almost always get tossed to the side. At this point in history, in my job field, I could not afford to take that risk - both financially and emotionally. In addition, I've worked with these people for nearly a decade and many of them are like family to me. Leaving them would have been a hard pill to swallow, as well. And leaving my mission to further women in leadership in education would have dampened my spirits.
So, how do I deal? How do I manage this rubik's cube of working momness? I can tell you, from my experience, that there is no such thing as balancing work and being a mother. I've learned a lot about how important each role is to me and how I "choose" one over the other. With every new boss that I have been assigned in the past 5 years, I have a ritual. In our first meeting, I slide them my flexible work schedule agreement and state that being a mother and raising fine, empathetic, critically-thinking children is my number one priority. Daughter reading her first mass reading of the year? Sorry, I can't attend that meeting. Son needing a doctor's visit? Sorry, I'll be out of the office. Spring break for the kids? I'll be using my vacation time that week. No worries. I'll catch up and attend to all matters upon my return.
However, being an agent of change in this world - to make life better for people who are wanting their lives to be better - to this, I will give my all as well. I tell my kids that I go to work to use the gifts that I have been given to help others. I want them - when thinking of their future contribution to society - to always frame their choices on that fact. What gifts or strengths do I have that I can use to help other people? I bring my passion with me to my job - I don't look for my job to provide passion for me. Field trip came up out of the blue that you'd like me to attend? Sorry love, I've had a longstanding meeting on my calendar. Another party that you'd like me to volunteer at? My dear, mama has a presentation to give and I just volunteered for your holiday party. No worries. I can't wait to swoop you up and hear all about it.
Working is a choice for me. If I didn't work, we would have to sell our home and find a more modest place to live. We most likely would have to transition to being a one-car family and our kids would have to be pulled from their current school. There would have to be a drastic change in our spending. We have a lot of love and fun together that could easily replace the disappointment in having to go through the above changes. We have no family close by to help with childcare or driving the kids here and there, but I have a dedicated and equal husband/partner/baby daddy and some pretty awesome friends. We're privileged and I get that.
I choose to work because it fuels me. I love learning and I love being able to teach and inspire my children with the fuel I've gained from working in higher education. Being a mother has helped me 100% in being a better boss: I'm more patient, understanding, and empathetic. I know that mistakes are part of the learning process. Getting a C on a math test and missing a deadline for a job duty are both teaching moments. I understand that as being a boss and a parent, my job is also to teach: To use the knowledge and gifts I have to inspire learning and growth in others.
My advice to others, if our maternity leave in this country doesn't change soon: persist. The whole "lean in" concept doesn't work when you are a middle class mother and have no family around to help with childcare. If you are in a position of being working and childless, use that time to build up your credibility and resourcefulness. Come in early and work late. Take several "one-for-the-teams" a month. Invest in yourself with schooling, credentials, positions, committee work. That way, when children come around, you've built your network and the respect that is needed to take your three months off. Be firm upon your arrival back to work: you'll be pumping 2 times a day so meetings will need to be scheduled around your pump schedule. This is your right. You may have to leave early and take more vacation days than normal because you not only have yourself to care for, but a teeny, tiny human depends on you for survival. Ideally (and sometimes realistically), the respect you've built will ease you through your new life as a working mother.
You know how they say it takes 5 praises to make up for 1 ill remark? I apply the same principle to being a working mother. It takes 5 choices of mine where I have chosen my children over work to make up for the 1 time where I had to choose work over my children. I've given up a role on a national organization's governing board to which I was elected because I became newly pregnant and I knew I would have to travel a lot - which is very hard for me when pregnant and nursing. I didn't have to do this, but I knew it was in the best interest of my physical and mental health (note: this is not the case for all women). There's not many men who can claim that they've had to make similar sacrifices when they are expecting a new baby.
As a society, don't we want to mothers to be with their children? And don't we want mothers to work and spur the economy as well? We want working women to be honored, glorified, and praised for the time they spend raising well adjusted soon-to-be contributors of society. We want them teaching the children of our society good manners, empathy, right from wrong, and the golden rule. We want our children not to feel second to a mother's career: their needs are first and foremost. We want our women to lead by example: strapping on their heels or flats and power-walking into work to use their gifts for the greater good. We want our children seeing us being dedicated career women just as much as we want our workers, bosses, and coworkers witnessing us being dedicated mothers.
In my decade of working momness, I have seen my share of prejudice. I've been promised upward movement, only for it to be halted when I was pregnant and nursing. When having my mere 3 months of leave signed off on, I've gotten the side eye, followed with "3 months? That's quite a long time to be off."
However, I see small, encouraging changes being made. To be an employer or boss and to have a dedicated, hard-working mother these days, you must promise her these things: 1. A flexible schedule; 2. The opportunity to work from home periodically; 3. Unquestioned sick and vacation days without revenge work (IE - now that you're back, I'm going to require you to do all of these things that I wouldn't have asked you to do had you not asked for time off); 4. Unquestioned pump time for nursing moms; 5. Less scrutiny when addressing a gap in employment.
And bosses/managers/employers - looking forward, I would advise you to: 1. Encourage working moms to take their vacation and sick days if you don't see them doing that (tell them that you value them and you know how taking time off is valuable to everyone's well-being); 2. Ask about her children (and remember what she tells you); 3. Be proactive when she is coming back to work after being on maternity leave (Hey, how about you work from home a couple days a week for a smoother transition?). 4. Allow parents to bring their kids to work periodically. If they are old enough and don't need too much supervision, they can quietly attend to their own work. It's also valuable to be able to witness their mothers in their jobs. And, they can even help out by making copies for mom and other such activities that teach work ethic. Don't push any of these things, either. It's nice to offer, just as you'd offer a guest in your home a glass of water: You wouldn't force your guest to drink the water if they declined.
Finally, working moms: If the job you're in or offered doesn't offer the above, halt your commitment to them. No amount of money will ever help you get over a greedy employer who wants you away from your children more than you'd like to be away from them.
A result of the past 10 years of being a working mother is that I'd like to be more proactive for current and future working mothers. I'd like to write more pieces that focus on employers harvesting a nurturing environment for working moms - which has the benefit of helping everyone (not just the working mom). I'd also like to focus on building a guild of working-mom friendly workplaces. If you work in a working mom-friendly workplace, send me a line. I'd love to hear what they are doing for you to help you more delicately manage work and parenting.
In the end, I can see myself, old and grey. The only regret I would have with my children would be if I stayed at a workplace that didn't value my time with my children and away from work. Only you know what feels right for you. Fight for what you believe in.
Yes, it's not fair. Men don't have to invest this time as they think about a family that may be 5 years into the future. But right now, the men in power aren't listening to us. I'm not succumbing to this inequality, I'm just giving helpful hints as we push through to earn our rights. If she has to go back in order to keep her job and/or benefits (until we get better legislation), let's make it easier for her and her cherubs. To describe this, I have this perfect The West Wing interchange from season two:
Sam: They have bathrobes at the gym?
C.J.: In the women's locker room.
Sam: But not the men's.
C.J.: Yeah.
Sam: Now, that's outrageous. There's a thousand men working here and fifty women...
C.J.: Yeah, and it's the bathrobes that's outrageous.
In closing, I'll leave you with a portion of an email that I sent to a former boss who was leaving for a new job.
The older my children have gotten, the more I've been able to rationalize being a working mother. The older two are in school the hours that I am at work, which to me is a win-win situation. That's the sweet spot, so to say.
The younger one is a bit harder to swallow. Working when you have a little one aged 0-4 is rough, no lie. Coming to work everyday, leaving an infant, is about the hardest thing I've had to do emotionally. It doesn't get easier with each child. For me, it got harder and harder. I played the working mom role the first time. The second time, I grew more introspective. The third time, I almost said "f$*k the patriarchy" and stayed home with my babe. I even bought into a shady MLM pyramid scheme to try to transition out of the working world (I thankfully got out of that). Look at nature - mothers don't leave their still-breastfeeding infants, ever. They stick around until the babe has naturally weened and then they still hover around until the babe has proven they can be independent.
But we - in The United States of America - are given a time limit with our infants. There are millions of working mothers who are forced to go back to work even when their lochia is still flowing from childbirth. Three months and your time is up (and in some cases, it's much, much sooner). Pack up your breast pump and head back to work. Put your infant in the hands of a stranger and leave your weeping eyes at the door. You've got work to do and we're not going to sit around here and hold your job while you spend time mothering. However, the flip side was too radical for me to envision.
If I were to have left work to stay home with my babies, I would have lost my job. I would have lost the momentum that I had been building in my career. My job would not have been saved for me - it would have been taken over and I would have had to start at the very beginning. When I was ready to re-enter the work world, I would have had to begin on the very lowest rung of the ladder. I've been in search committees where they look at a gap in empoyment and those applications almost always get tossed to the side. At this point in history, in my job field, I could not afford to take that risk - both financially and emotionally. In addition, I've worked with these people for nearly a decade and many of them are like family to me. Leaving them would have been a hard pill to swallow, as well. And leaving my mission to further women in leadership in education would have dampened my spirits.
So, how do I deal? How do I manage this rubik's cube of working momness? I can tell you, from my experience, that there is no such thing as balancing work and being a mother. I've learned a lot about how important each role is to me and how I "choose" one over the other. With every new boss that I have been assigned in the past 5 years, I have a ritual. In our first meeting, I slide them my flexible work schedule agreement and state that being a mother and raising fine, empathetic, critically-thinking children is my number one priority. Daughter reading her first mass reading of the year? Sorry, I can't attend that meeting. Son needing a doctor's visit? Sorry, I'll be out of the office. Spring break for the kids? I'll be using my vacation time that week. No worries. I'll catch up and attend to all matters upon my return.
However, being an agent of change in this world - to make life better for people who are wanting their lives to be better - to this, I will give my all as well. I tell my kids that I go to work to use the gifts that I have been given to help others. I want them - when thinking of their future contribution to society - to always frame their choices on that fact. What gifts or strengths do I have that I can use to help other people? I bring my passion with me to my job - I don't look for my job to provide passion for me. Field trip came up out of the blue that you'd like me to attend? Sorry love, I've had a longstanding meeting on my calendar. Another party that you'd like me to volunteer at? My dear, mama has a presentation to give and I just volunteered for your holiday party. No worries. I can't wait to swoop you up and hear all about it.
Working is a choice for me. If I didn't work, we would have to sell our home and find a more modest place to live. We most likely would have to transition to being a one-car family and our kids would have to be pulled from their current school. There would have to be a drastic change in our spending. We have a lot of love and fun together that could easily replace the disappointment in having to go through the above changes. We have no family close by to help with childcare or driving the kids here and there, but I have a dedicated and equal husband/partner/baby daddy and some pretty awesome friends. We're privileged and I get that.
I choose to work because it fuels me. I love learning and I love being able to teach and inspire my children with the fuel I've gained from working in higher education. Being a mother has helped me 100% in being a better boss: I'm more patient, understanding, and empathetic. I know that mistakes are part of the learning process. Getting a C on a math test and missing a deadline for a job duty are both teaching moments. I understand that as being a boss and a parent, my job is also to teach: To use the knowledge and gifts I have to inspire learning and growth in others.
My advice to others, if our maternity leave in this country doesn't change soon: persist. The whole "lean in" concept doesn't work when you are a middle class mother and have no family around to help with childcare. If you are in a position of being working and childless, use that time to build up your credibility and resourcefulness. Come in early and work late. Take several "one-for-the-teams" a month. Invest in yourself with schooling, credentials, positions, committee work. That way, when children come around, you've built your network and the respect that is needed to take your three months off. Be firm upon your arrival back to work: you'll be pumping 2 times a day so meetings will need to be scheduled around your pump schedule. This is your right. You may have to leave early and take more vacation days than normal because you not only have yourself to care for, but a teeny, tiny human depends on you for survival. Ideally (and sometimes realistically), the respect you've built will ease you through your new life as a working mother.
You know how they say it takes 5 praises to make up for 1 ill remark? I apply the same principle to being a working mother. It takes 5 choices of mine where I have chosen my children over work to make up for the 1 time where I had to choose work over my children. I've given up a role on a national organization's governing board to which I was elected because I became newly pregnant and I knew I would have to travel a lot - which is very hard for me when pregnant and nursing. I didn't have to do this, but I knew it was in the best interest of my physical and mental health (note: this is not the case for all women). There's not many men who can claim that they've had to make similar sacrifices when they are expecting a new baby.
As a society, don't we want to mothers to be with their children? And don't we want mothers to work and spur the economy as well? We want working women to be honored, glorified, and praised for the time they spend raising well adjusted soon-to-be contributors of society. We want them teaching the children of our society good manners, empathy, right from wrong, and the golden rule. We want our children not to feel second to a mother's career: their needs are first and foremost. We want our women to lead by example: strapping on their heels or flats and power-walking into work to use their gifts for the greater good. We want our children seeing us being dedicated career women just as much as we want our workers, bosses, and coworkers witnessing us being dedicated mothers.
In my decade of working momness, I have seen my share of prejudice. I've been promised upward movement, only for it to be halted when I was pregnant and nursing. When having my mere 3 months of leave signed off on, I've gotten the side eye, followed with "3 months? That's quite a long time to be off."
However, I see small, encouraging changes being made. To be an employer or boss and to have a dedicated, hard-working mother these days, you must promise her these things: 1. A flexible schedule; 2. The opportunity to work from home periodically; 3. Unquestioned sick and vacation days without revenge work (IE - now that you're back, I'm going to require you to do all of these things that I wouldn't have asked you to do had you not asked for time off); 4. Unquestioned pump time for nursing moms; 5. Less scrutiny when addressing a gap in employment.
And bosses/managers/employers - looking forward, I would advise you to: 1. Encourage working moms to take their vacation and sick days if you don't see them doing that (tell them that you value them and you know how taking time off is valuable to everyone's well-being); 2. Ask about her children (and remember what she tells you); 3. Be proactive when she is coming back to work after being on maternity leave (Hey, how about you work from home a couple days a week for a smoother transition?). 4. Allow parents to bring their kids to work periodically. If they are old enough and don't need too much supervision, they can quietly attend to their own work. It's also valuable to be able to witness their mothers in their jobs. And, they can even help out by making copies for mom and other such activities that teach work ethic. Don't push any of these things, either. It's nice to offer, just as you'd offer a guest in your home a glass of water: You wouldn't force your guest to drink the water if they declined.
Finally, working moms: If the job you're in or offered doesn't offer the above, halt your commitment to them. No amount of money will ever help you get over a greedy employer who wants you away from your children more than you'd like to be away from them.
A result of the past 10 years of being a working mother is that I'd like to be more proactive for current and future working mothers. I'd like to write more pieces that focus on employers harvesting a nurturing environment for working moms - which has the benefit of helping everyone (not just the working mom). I'd also like to focus on building a guild of working-mom friendly workplaces. If you work in a working mom-friendly workplace, send me a line. I'd love to hear what they are doing for you to help you more delicately manage work and parenting.
In the end, I can see myself, old and grey. The only regret I would have with my children would be if I stayed at a workplace that didn't value my time with my children and away from work. Only you know what feels right for you. Fight for what you believe in.
Yes, it's not fair. Men don't have to invest this time as they think about a family that may be 5 years into the future. But right now, the men in power aren't listening to us. I'm not succumbing to this inequality, I'm just giving helpful hints as we push through to earn our rights. If she has to go back in order to keep her job and/or benefits (until we get better legislation), let's make it easier for her and her cherubs. To describe this, I have this perfect The West Wing interchange from season two:
Sam: They have bathrobes at the gym?
C.J.: In the women's locker room.
Sam: But not the men's.
C.J.: Yeah.
Sam: Now, that's outrageous. There's a thousand men working here and fifty women...
C.J.: Yeah, and it's the bathrobes that's outrageous.
In closing, I'll leave you with a portion of an email that I sent to a former boss who was leaving for a new job.
"It took my vision, but also the support of the university to let me
work my magic. Not just initial support, but continued support. So, before you
leave, I wanted to THANK YOU for continuing to support me and my vision. Also,
for giving me flex time to build my family and my children’s values – and for
trusting me with that flex time. I’m sure you’ll see them in the future working
to change the world for the right reasons."
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